I have to wash my pillowcase twice a week because I hate the smell of my tears - Naa Asheley Afua Adowaa Ashitey
Mother, father, forgive me, for I have sinned.
I am human, it is in my nature.
I have sinned, not to dishonor or to disrespect you,
It is only that I am tired.
But my sin is neither lust, gluttony, wrath, pride nor laziness—
The latter of the list I very much have not committed.
My sin is envy, because I am tired.
You say I represent 10 daughters, 10 sons,
100 daughters, 100 sons.
Mother, father, I don’t want that.
I don’t think I can handle that,
Not anymore.
How can I represent more than one daughter,
When I myself can barely represent nor understand myself?
I am tired.
I’ve found fear in phone calls,
Because I can’t bear to hear you cry about bills
When I can barely handle my own, and know I still
Have to find a way to prevent you both from eviction.
I don’t want to know who in our family has passed,
And how for the next 4 months, the limited income we have
Has to go to sending them off to God because no one else
Will do it but you both.
I panic when I hear about all of your health issues,
Because I can take care of you, but I need more time;
Time that you both don’t have.
I am tired,
But so are you.
So I envy. I envy because I am tired,
And everyone else in my life isn’t.
Because though I sin, I still must find a way to represent more than one daughter,
To comfort you, Protect you, and help you because no one else can.
I don’t mind doing so, because I love you.
But I envy all of those who don’t have to live this life.
But I’d never tell you this sin,
And I’ll never tell you how tired I really am.
Because I don’t want to hurt you.
Because if you had a choice,
You’d would’ve made a life for me
Where I didn’t have to experience such a sin,
Such a life,
Where all I know is a feeling of tiredness and envy.
I know you didn’t mean for things to be this way.
I’m not mad at you.
This is not your fault.
I just wish I could do more.
Lord, I’m so tired.
Originally published in The Babble, April 2022
Naa Asheley Afua Adowaa Ashitey (She/Her/Hers) is a Chicago-born writer and an MD-PhD Student at UW-Madison School of Medicine and Public Health. She is interested in the intersection between scientific research, medicine and the humanities. Her works have been published or forthcoming in Broken Antler Magazine, JAKE, The B’K Magazine, Abstract Magazine, Okay Donkey and more. More at NaaAshitey.com
